Get Realistic About How Your Husband Will Act During the Divorce

Once you have taken the time to get confidence in yourself to move on and developed a vision of what you want to move to, you need to “get real”. By this I mean: remember who you’re dealing with.

Many of my clients are women who have been in some form of an abusive relationship (always being controlled and manipulated is abuse) with their husband and they’re used to seeing the best in people. That’s why they’ve stayed with their husband as long as they have and the natural tendency of you is probably to do that.

But when you’re getting divorced from somebody who has historically been controlling/manipulative, and probably has personality disorder, you’ve got to get real and remember who you’re dealing with. Don’t kid yourself. Understand the reality of what your likely narcissistic husband is going to be like during the divorce.

If your husband manipulated you or intimidated you during the marriage, he’s going to be even worse during the divorce. Don’t believe what he tells you. Get professionals to deal with him. You’re not going to be able to.

If your husband was obsessed with money before, during the marriage, he’s going to be during the divorce. And will go to extremes, in some situations, to keep as much of it as possible.  And you’ve got to understand sometimes you have to be ready if you need that money, to fight to the end to get it.  Don’t kid yourself, it’s not going to be easy. 

If your husband kept financial secrets from you during the marriage, likely he’s not going to be forthcoming with you during the divorce. You’re either going to need to obtain the information before the divorce starts, and more on that later, or make him realize he has no choice besides coming clean. Otherwise, the reality is the attorney that you hire is going to have to take some time to get this information out of him, because being forthcoming with others on “his” finances is not something that comes natural.

If your husband is somebody who turned other disagreements with people during the marriage into personal vendettas, he’s probably going to do the same thing during the divorce and it’s not going to be easy for you. Which is why you have to be very careful as you set up this process.

And then to the biggest (and sad) reality.  If your husband lacked the ability to care about you or others during the marriage, he’s not going to wake up and do the right thing during the divorce. You’re going to have to push hard and apply the right pressures to get what you need.

No, you’re not doomed or destined for failure just because your husband is a difficult person.  There are strategies for dealing with the problems your husband is likely going to inject into a divorce. But just don’t kid yourself into thinking that when you file for divorce, your husband’s going to all of a sudden be a different and better person. He won’t.

Understand now that your husband’s worst qualities will be magnified and become worse. And if you accept this and plan for this fact, you will be much more likely to get divorced on fair terms, sooner, because the people that are going to help you do this are going to be able to take into account these realities and come up with the appropriate legal strategies to deal with them.